2:05am
So here is the real test. I can’t sleep, so I decided to write until I feel like I can’t anymore or I start feeling tired. Ambien sucks. It used to knock me right out, but now it takes me hours to fall asleep. I mean it probably doesn’t help that my boyfriend snores. And he is an obnoxious snorer too. You know the kind you just can’t tune out? Yup, that’s what I’m stuck with.
My keyboard light won’t turn on, and I’m trying to type in the dark. I think it’s broken, and it’s not worth paying to get it fixed I’m sure. It’s weird cuz they turn on when I first turn on my computer, but then they go off and won’t come back on. It’s just a first world problem, I know.
Man, I have a headache.
Smoking used to help, but ever since I lost contact to get vapes, it just doesn’t seem to do the trick. I did get my birth control changed though. I had a happy ending too, haha. Well, he did anyway. I want to please him too so it’s ok. I understand I don’t get to finish every time, as much as I wish that were the case. I think if I was guaranteed an orgasm, I would be way more horny. I mean that just makes logical sense, I know, but I mean even with the medication side effects, I think that would change my outlook on sex just a bit. Cuz sometimes it just hurts. And sometimes I just can’t shut my mind up. So I’m thinking about everything but the man I’m having sex with. My brain gets me into a lot of trouble.
People tell me I see too much good in people. For example, I’m hanging out with my friend’s brother the other night. We are just smoking and playing Mario Kart, having a grand ol time. He knows about my boyfriend, and he has a live-in girlfriend. Well, he asked if he won a round of Mario Kart if he could kiss me. I was appalled and ended up leaving after telling him no several times. I’m so pissed because I was having so much fun up until that point. And I think he can hook me up with some vapes. And as bad as it sounds, I might use him to get them. Does that make me a terrible person? It’s not like I want to see him, and I’ll probably have to hang out with him a little so it’s no weird, but I’m desperate.
I may be a stoner, but I promise you: you would like the high version of me so much better than sober me. It helps my headaches and anxiety. And I have a med card. And I don’t know why I’m explaining myself to a computer. You don’t care what I do.
I just cleaned out my pipe, and I just had such an amazing hit. I would love to just get high with everyone I know. Like one on one. And have deep meaningful conversations with them and bond on another level. Like my mom and dad. What an experience that would be. Even any of my siblings. I feel like we would have some fun. Wishful thinking I suppose.
I wonder if I will ever finish my book. Even if I did, I’m not sure I would ever let anyone read the whole thing. That would be like letting someone read these only worse because I put every emotion I have into writing that story. Maybe it’s not meant to be finished. I have a problem with finishing things. Like coloring pictures, journal entries, and just about every craft I do. I have this constant need to have to finish. I can’t just leave it half done or especially not almost done. If I’m even relatively close to finishing something, I HAVE to finish it. I mean obviously there are sometimes when my depression gets in the way, and I have no motivation to finish what I start. Then I just feel even worse, and I feel guilty, though I’m not sure why.
If I could, I would finish every journal I owned in one night. Not for any particular reason other than it would feel so good to have them completed. I love looking at them. They make me happy. Even if no one else understands why I make these junk journals or smash books or quote journals or the reason I have at least twenty of them… What was I talking about? Oh, how good it would feel to have my journals full. Full of quotes and inspiration and ART. And again, even if no one understood it, I WOULD. And it would make me happy to look at them, and that’s the whole point, right?
I have this strive for perfection. And not necessarily meaning that I want other people to think I’m perfect, or even care what they think. I just want to be proud of whatever work I do. And that includes reading, writing, doing puzzles, cleaning, and it even affects the way I do my hair and make-up. It just has to be good enough for ME, and that’s all I care about. Is that normal? Am I weird? These are things that I wish I could talk to people about. But when I try to make deep conversations, they usually end in someone just bitching about something. My best guy friend is probably the best at having a real, deep, meaningful conversation. I can’t imagine my life without him. It’s crazy to think that we have only really been “best friends” for less than a year. I mean we didn’t talk much for years, and we didn’t keep in touch. I don’t know why I didn’t feel this amazing connection before? Maybe we were both still growing. Figuring out who we were.
I’m still trying to figure out who I am. I ask myself that every day. I hate the person who stares at me in the mirror, and I just want to puke every time I see her. I am fat and ugly, and it pisses me off because it’s all my fault. I can’t blame anyone else but myself and bad habits. I could have prevented this, at least most of this, if I had just been smart and realized it wasn’t JUST five pounds. This I swear, if I ever get under 150 pounds, I will never go over again. Unless pregnancy. Then the rules change. I don’t think I’ll care as much when I’m a mom, but I definitely care now. I feel huge. The biggest I’ve ever been.
I need to end on something positive. Pinterest has been really inspiring lately, but there is this stupid thing called lack of motivation to do anything and I have it. I struggle to do anything all day, but I force myself to do things. Even the Adderall isn’t helping anymore. And I’ve been trying not to smoke all day, so there’s that. And I’m trying not to drink soda, so there’s that too. There’s just everything.
I didn’t eat anything today. Only a few chips my boyfriend fed me in bed. I hate to even think this, but I’m proud of myself. Every day that I eat well or not at all, ESPECIALLY not at all, I feel amazing. I always feel lighter the next day, even when there’s no change. I wish I could just not want to eat anymore. That would solve everything. I love food too much. So literally, the only way to keep me from eating because I lack self control is to have no food in the damn house. Which is our current situation. Two more days until I get my food stamps. Two more days…
I think my eyes are starting to droop. I want to go to sleep so my mouth stops hurting too. I feel like I’ve been grinding my teeth lately. Random thought. Hopefully you won’t hear from me for hours, but I hope to remember to write later.
With love to every human,
Lizzie
5:12pm
I don’t really feel like writing to be honest. But it’s this book, ‘What Alice Forgot’ that has me feeling all sorts of emotions that I’m not sure about. There’s talk about miscarriages, relationship problems, kids, and just life stuff in general. It has me all overthinking everything in life. Alice lost ten years of her memory, and she is able to gain a new perspective on life. Maybe that’s what I need. A new perspective. Maybe by writing these I can look at my life more objectively and fix some things that I don’t even know need fixing. Just a thought…
With love to every human,
Lizzie
9:47pm
I am forcing myself to write because I can’t fail on only the second day of this journal experiment. Hopefully by forcing myself to I guess think and ponder?… That’s supposed to help? I don’t know. I hope there is a point to doing this I guess.
I guess I just want to finish something great. Even though this journal does not exactly scream greatness. But I’m hoping it will help my mood and motivation to do other things… Like crafts or writing or any of my hobbies. I always find a hobby and get obsessed with it for a few days and then I move on. I feel the need to finish everything, yes, but I get bored easily. And I don’t like projects that take more than one day. I think I would rather have something like this that could take a year or even longer than a project that takes “only a few days.” If I can see the end in sight, I’m going to get there, so why can’t I just do it all today? Those are my thoughts anyway.
And maybe this is also just something to do to kill time because I am literally bored all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. I can’t help it. I try so hard to stay busy, and I do a lot of things, I really do. I just struggle with the point of doing it all. It used to be for happiness, but I don’t even seem to get that out of a lot of things anymore.
I don’t know exactly why I’m depressed, though I could come up with plenty of reasons. I hate the way I look, I’m in a relationship that seems to have just stopped, I am alone all day and every day, I have trauma that I can’t even begin to think about, I am insecure about just about everything like friends and if people actually care or like me, and well, yea. I could come up with a few reasons, like I said.
I’m watching, or more so listening to, ‘Ice Age.’ I love Sid the Sloth so much. He is a character that can always make me laugh. Even when I’m sober. Although I must say this movie is much better when you’ve had a little bit of giggle bush in your system.
My mom is coming up tomorrow. I am excited to see her, but I’m currently frustrated. She hasn’t told me what the plan is, so I have no idea what time I have to be up and ready. And yes, I’ve asked several times. I hate planning ahead, but it’s something I sometimes need to do. Probably something I should do more often.
Not that I think anyone is reading this, but I haven’t talked about anything even remotely interesting yet. People like to read interesting things, not just random jibberish. I will have to try to remember to talk about things that are worth typing… Yea, I don’t even know what I mean by that.
I suddenly have no more to say, or even think. All I can think about is what movie to put in next because this one is almost over. Except I also don’t feel like getting up, so I’m thinking Netflix it is… Gawd I’m so damn lazy.
I would love to join a gym. People tell me all the time I could lose the weight if I wanted to and all that jazz. But the bottom line is, this girl is broke. And I feel way too selfish asking my boyfriend to help me out with something like that. And yes, I know, there’s home exercise, but I suck at that.
Let’s talk about exercise for a minute. Now remember, these are MY thoughts and MY opinions, so don’t get all defensive when I say this… But I can’t stand people who are obsessed with going to the gym. I mean, good for you and all, but I don’t need to hear about it. Unless something exciting happened, I don’t need to hear about how many miles you ran or how many reps you did. And keep that shit off social media too. It’s just annoying. What’s even MORE annoying is when those same gym obsessed people then post about being so insecure and shit. If you really were that insecure, you wouldn’t be posting pictures of you in basically nothing doing squats. Sorry, I just guess that it’s something that will always bother me. Probably due to my own insecurities I know, but I’m just saying I would much rather scroll through my feed and see pictures of baby animals and jokes rather than your super ripped body that just makes me feel uncomfortable. Rant over.
I think I’ve said enough for today. Nighty night.
With love to every human,
Lizzie